Five Cars That We Aren’t Mad At, Just Disappointed In

1. 2010 BMW 650i Convertible: Squishy, old-man type fun in a model that manages to be among the most expensive AND least desirable cars that BMW sells. That ain’t easy. Ugly beyond reason for something this high-dollar. The perfect car for the affluent Zune user, if you take my meaning.*nudge* Mercifully due to be replaced soon.



2. 2011 Dodge Nitro: That’s right, they’re continuing to make that shit for the 2011 model year. Trim levels include “Heat” “Shock,” and “Detonator.” If Kid Rock circa 1997 could sponsor a Car From The Future, this would be it. Bawitdaba.

3. 2011 Volkswagen Eos: Another German convertible, so what? I love convertibles. But the Eos looks like, and sort of drives like, it was designed by Michael Kors for sale at Pottery Barn. Earth tones and soft edges in a retractable hardtop that costs 2X the price of a Golf. This isn’t dislike because I think the Eos is somehow “too gay” either—I’ll rock the fuck out of an old-school Golf Cabriolet.



4. 2011 Lincoln MKT: Actually kind of fine to drive; in that massive, understeery, familyvannish kind of a way, but it looks like a prototype paddy wagon for Warren Beatty’s Dick Tracy. Maybe it should be riddled with bullet holes, you know, to complete the look?



5. 2010 Scion xB: Remember that hot girl that played lacrosse on your high school’s team; the one you made out with once at a party, senior year? Then you saw her when you went to visit your boy at Duke, and she had gained like 30 pounds, and was drunk and wearing yoga pants even though she was at the bar. That girl’s automotive totem spirit is the second-gen Scion xB. Better move to another table dude, before she sees you and tries to buy you a shot.